Oct
20
Women say they value many other attributes of a man over his visual attractiveness, but is that really true?
Filed Under Women in Music
*Please read entire story and analysis before answering.*
It seems to me that whether a man is visually attractive or not really DOES matter to females. Let me explain.
And, no, I’m not trying to stir up a pity party here. This is a legitimate concern of mine.
I don’t consider myself to be downright ugly, but I’m certainly not eye-candy for the ladies, either (25yo, 5’7, 190 lbs.). Not real tall, not overly muscular, a few extra pounds (that I am losing right now), but nothing overly disgusting. However, I can confidently say that what I lack in visual attractiveness I make up for in genuineness, friendliness, and generosity.
I am a devoted Christian man, who treats people with respect and dignity, is affectionate, pleasant, genuine, patient, a regular blood donor, willing to show a lady that she is special, does not smoke or do drugs, and has this unconscious knack to do the right thing, even if it’s not popular. I value the family and regularly attend church. I’m even a musician (I play the piano), something many women claim to be an enormous turn-on.
I’ve taken my share of girls on dates and I have never sworn in front of them, smoked, consumed an alcoholic beverage, told them a raunchy joke, boasted to them, or embarrassed them (or myself). I dress nicely, have friendly, casual conversations with them, I listen to what they say with much interest, I smile a lot (no, not in a creepy, lustful way), I make them laugh, and I treat them with utmost respect. When I drop them off, they tell me they had a great time, I tell them the same, and I continue to remain casual and friendly. And I follow them up with a phone call the next day to ask about the previous night in more specific detail.
Not once have I received negative feedback or a comment from them about something they did not like about me or what I did (or failed to do). However, not one of them agreed to a second date in the future, much less an intimate relationship. (I usually get this during phone conversations AFTER those first phone calls the days following the dates.) They’ve all told me something like, You know, you’re a really nice guy, but…. Most of the time, that’s followed by something to the effect of, it’s just not a good time right now. So I don’t force the issue. I call them back about 2 weeks to a month later, and they have all said that it’s still not a good time. So I move on.
After about the sixth time, I began to have doubts about my appearance. I was a gentleman from start to finish every time. They acknowledged that, but I figured someone would have pointed out an area I needed to improve in by the sixth time. I would ask my later dates if there was anything specifically I needed to work on, but they said there wasn’t and it was the same old story.
If it makes any difference, about 90 percent of the questions asked between us during the dates are asked by me, mainly to break awkward silences.
All of these girls have told me that they do not have boyfriends. And they all seem like normal human beings like me (pleasant, not stuck-up, etc.).
However, I have seen some of them since with some guys that didn’t treat them nearly as well as I did at first, but were more visually appealing. (I would know; I had some classes with them.) Then, after a while, they seemed very pleased with their new boyfriends, and later, husbands.
When I see things like this, I am happy for them, but at the same time, I can’t help but question my appearance, since I get the impression that I’ve done everything right in regards to personality, clothing, etiquette, and manners.
Here is what I think goes on: women/girls want a visually attractive mate, even if he does not currently possess the traits and values many women (including those here at Yahoo! Answers) claim they find most attractive. However, they stick with these guys who, to their credit, ultimately develop/acquire these traits (kindness, affection, generosity, loyalty, etc.) over time and become the men that they want as their soulmates. In contrast, guys (including myself) who are not-so-visually appealing, but who ALREADY possess these attractive traits are not given hardly any chance to get their foot in the door and let an intimate relationship come into being. That’s what it seems like to me.
Ladies, honestly, is this how it really is? Or is my luck just that terrible (9 people and counting)?
I am confused and would really like to know. Your answers, responses, and thoughts are greatly appreciated.
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7 Responses to “Women say they value many other attributes of a man over his visual attractiveness, but is that really true?”
Most women/girls/teens like men with a personality.
OF COURSE, being attractive helps too.
But, there are a few shallow people in this world,
who dislike, and wont talk to people because they are un-attractive.
But just wait,
you’ll find your perfect girl,
and she’ll be everything you’ve ever wanted
I promise
Ok well… You could be coming off as your trying too hard cuz to me it seems like you are… and most girls dont like a guy that caters to their every whim because it seems desperate or clingy.. i dont really know what ur doing wrong other than that though… my advice just tone it down a bit
~Hope this helps!
rule #1: you call the girl 2-3 days after the date, to appear not desperate, and it puts her on the edge.
rule#2: you have to be fun when with a girl. you cant be always nice, (as much as you want too) im not saying be an @sshole. im just saying live a little and be yourself. challenge her, show her your a catch.
the rest of the rules are quite long so ill leave you with a little advice.
your personailty is great, and alot of girls here will say omg where have you been?! but in reality these girls will think your nice and all but they think you are husband material.
you seem to be ahead in maturity by alot. you have the characteristics of a man who has enjoyed the game and the fun of women but wants to settle down.
from your description i can view it as this. so no matter how much you change your outer appearance, you will be the same you. Unless you change to some sort of Brad Pitt or Enrique Engliscias, your appreciation of women wont be seen until later in life.
im not saying change your personality, im just saying if you really want a girl, you have to interest her, make her feel like she needs you.
hope i helped.
hi well im a guy too and i feel what ur saying im 17 btw and wen i first tried to get a gf it was really ahrd my parents are really good people and i learned alot about respecting weamon and treating them right and for that i thank them i dont drink i dont do drugs and studying for a carear but like i said wen i first started i was haveing a hard time with trying to get a girl and the same way like it happen to u i treated them like i was thought with respect and love and i always listen to wat they had to say and at the end of the date they would tell me i had a great time and that they like that i listen to wat they had to say but wen i tired like asking them to go on another date they would say im bussy or they just would come up with an excuse u know but yeah i was douting my self and i still do but that never made me give up well it almost did but i met the most beautiful asian girl ive ever met and i guess god did make person for every one lol and i found her and at first she told me like straight on that she liked the the well physical guys and well im not that well physical im like the normale type thats what she tells me now but she always tell me what counts is whats in the inside cause looks fade and thats true so dont give up and ull see like i said im the goos looking type either i mean even thoe i have a gf its sometimes hard for her to like feel some atractive ness to me but the reason y i stick with her is cause shes really nice too and she cares alot about me like i do about her so dont give up k ull see ^.^
Have you ever thought that the reason why your not getting a second date is because the women you have fallen for realize’s that she could break your heart to easily ? I have a friend who reminds me alot like you do and the reason why i could never take our friendship to the next level is simply because i knew i would end up hurting him emotionally. And i wasnt ready to do that to any man. Women tend to want the mean guys or the tough men or whatever only because they can match to that. Just remember a guy becomes a jerk towards his women because we tend to have a rougher exteriour than they do and it confuses them like your confused. You just need to find yourself a lady with the same interest as you. More so a lady with her head on her shoulders and stop messing around with the hot women. They know how to be mean and they dont want to hurt you your to good.
These girls gave you the nice guy speech. Thats whats going on with that. Unless they need somebody to take care of their kids or want to have a financially secure future women will NOT go for nice guys. When they say its not a good time it means that you dont make them feel attracted to you (at that particular time) the way you’d like for them to be so you CAN have intimate relationships and activities. Most girls dont care about appearance the way men do and they actually go for personality over looks. Girls also want to be able to ‘change’ their man into what they think is best (what they want you to be) and if they cant do that its not the same as prince charming coming by and sweeping them up. They seem to be driven by this kinda like the Mattel Ken doll. They can change his hair and clothes to what they like. Some silence is normal and is not too bad sometimes. Just use the time to think of a funny joke and make it look like you’re not putting too much effort into it. Dont seek approval from these women either. Its a ‘needy’ trait that scares the devil out of them. Asking what you could do for self-improvement is an example of what you dont want to do. You should be able to figure that out for yourself. Even good looking guys who dont play ‘the game’ have trouble getting their foot into the door so its not just you. They like jerks and they guys who play head games. It makes them FEEL and thats what they need. Its also women making you work for something you may not necessarly be after.
Life/dating would be so much easier if nobody ever even factored looks into the equation. But humans though we are, humans are still animals and many, if not all, animal species mate based on very superficial criteria, one of which, is looks. It really can’t be helped that much. Some people are able to look past appearance altogether, but I think few people can, at least while they are young. It’s just reality that physical attraction is a major factor in coupling. Ask yourself, are a woman’s looks important to you at all? To most men they are. I’m sure you really are a nice person, and whatever you do don’t change, just try to date women who think you are a catch, if you can. Mutual physical attraction/chemistry/whatever you want to call it is important and most relationships include this along with overall compatability. It may seem unfair and mean, but just imagine trying to kiss or have *** with someone who just didn’t do it for you. It’s not always whether your actually hot or not though either. I would turn down guys who were too hot because I would just feel so ugly beside them. So it’s personal taste, beauty in the eye of the beholder thing. I want to date someone who makes sense for me, and it feels right. You and no one you go out with deserves less in a relationship than that. It’s better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn’t truly want you either. That’s bad for the self-esteem.